Fire At The White House

Yesterday afternoon, the White House confirmed that a quickly contained blaze isolated to a storage room utility closet on the third floor of the Eisenhower Executive Office building destroyed the following records:

all records pertaining to:

All Executive Branch internal correspondence since January, 2001 
All RNC computer servers, back-up servers, and archival back-ups 
The original Downing Street Memo and associated notes 
Valerie Plame and the White House investigation of the leak (W.H. UPDATE: no records of Valerie Plame investigation destroyed as there was no investigation) 
Bandar Bush 
God's personal correspondence with President Bush including those related to the invasion of Iraq 
No-bid Halliburton contracts 
War crimes committed by U.S. contractors in Iraq 
Troop body armor tests and procurement orders 
Jessica Lynch 
The pulling down of the Saddam statue by non-Iraqis 
All unaccounted for money in Iraq 
The "troops" fault to not guard the weapons stockpile in Iraq 
Abu Ghraib 
Scuttling of the original Abramoff investigation, by the President 
Federal court appointees and their qualifications and records 
Extraordinary rendition 
Negroponte's activities in Iraq 
Judith Miller's embedded reporting and using her influence to override generals 
Bombing Al-Jazeera television 
"Mission Accomplished" 
Bribing and threatening of journalists and planting of stories in the U.S and Iraq 
Stopping the NY Times from revealing White House secret spying on Americans 
Jeff Gannon/Guckert 
De-baathification and the breakup of the Iraqi army 
Swift Boat vets 
Terror alerts 
Bumper sticker and T-shirt slogan monitoring 
Florida 2000 voter suppression 
Florida 2000 election over-votes 
Bush v. Gore court papers 
Richard Clark's warnings about abandoning anti-terror and a returning to the military-industrial profiteering of the cold war 
Pre 9/11 domestic spying 
The Vice Presidents Energy Task Force and all meetings dividing up Iraq's oil fields pre 9/11 
Bush's vacation records 
Enron and all related activities during California's "energy crisis" 
The accompanying Gray Davis recall and Ken Lay meetings 
The Congressional records relating to passing legislation with last second changes, midnight votes, and the minority excluded from committee meetings. 
The Missile defense shield 
The U.S. national debt and holders of the debt 
The Healthy Forest legislation and associated crop yields 
The Clear Skies legislation and new acceptable levels of toxic emissions 
Able Danger and the post-it notes hiding Mohammad Atta 
The "Bin Laden determined to Strike in U.S."  PDB 
All copies of "My Pet Goat" 
Extrication of Saudis after 9/11, especially Saudis named "Bin Laden" 
The 9/11 commission 
All confiscated video tapes from 9/11 showing impact with Pentagon 
Bush and Cheney's joint un-sworn "conversation" with the 9/11 commission 
Library checkout and Amazon shopping records of every American 
Bin Laden's actual location after he "escaped" from Tora Bora 
Yellowcake documents from Niger 
Curveball 
Colin Powell's United Nations speech 
Ahmad Chalabi 
Attempts to dismantle PBS 
Using FCC's fines to quash dissent 
The IRS collection of political affiliations 
Using American troops as speech props for Presidential speeches 
Diebold 
Ohio voter suppression 
Terri Schiavo and the emergency session of Congress 
Questioning the full faith and credit of the United States to scare people into dismantling Social Security 
Payola related to the Medicare bill 
Targeting and surveillance of peace lovers as terrorists 
Hurricane Katrina 
Oil profits and tens of billions of dollars of general fund giveaways to oil companies 
Multiple consecutive tours of combat for National Guardsmen 
The $200 million bridges to nowhere 
New Orleans levies 
Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court 
Bill Frist and the FEC and insider trading 
Alito and the Vanguard Fund 
Bob Ney of Ohio and Coingate 
Duke Cunningham of San Diego and related bribes and treason 
The U.S. Attorney firings of the U.S. Attorney who prosecuted Duke Cunningham and who was pursuing the investigation to the White House. 
Tom Delay's redistricting in TX and using anti-terror assets to track down legislators 
Tom Delay's ethics violations 
Jack Abramoff 
NSA wiretapping without warrants 
The failing grade from the 9/11 commission 
Data mining and reading your mail 
The 5 million missing emails

also destroyed were all records related to:

Bush's cocaine use and failure to take the ANG drug test 
Bush's drunk driving 
Bush's Texas Air National Guard service 
Bush's Arbusto stock sale, Saudi bailout, and lack of SEC follow-up 
Bush's insider trading at Harken and Bush 41's quashing of the investigation 
Bush's stealing of a public stadium from the taxpayers of Texas 
Cheney's Wyoming residency papers 
Police response to Cheney shooting a man in the face after drinking 
Push-polling smear on John McCain during the 2000 Republican primary 
All original video masters of Steven Colbert's Press Corps dinner roast

Countless other records and computer systems were apparently stored in the 3 foot by 3 foot utility closet, the content of which shall be revealed as destroyed as necessary pending any future investigations.

BREAKING: word that the Constitution of the United States was inexplicably consumed by flames in its nuclear blast-proof storage case by a glowing ember that apparently drifted from the Eisenhower Executive Office Building and into a thermal exhaust port that lead directly to the Constitution. No plans to reconstruct the document are pending. 

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UPDATE:

Also confirmed destroyed:

All records of clients of the DC Madame 
All IMs and emails between Republican congressmen and underage Congressional staffers 
Secret Service records of all people having meetings with the President and Vice President since January 2001 
All recorded promises, affirmations, and statements by Democratic Congressional leaders to hold the Administration accountable 

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UPDATE 2

Continuing reports of records stored in the third floor closet and subsequently destroyed also include all records pertaining to:

Pat Tillman 
Free Speech zones 
Iranian Nuclear Program National Intelligence Estimate 
Guantanamo 
FEMA staged news conferences 
New Orleans reconstruction contracts 
and 
Administration banning of U.S. meat companies from inspecting all of their meat

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UPDATE 3

Still more records reported completely destroyed include all items relating to:

Alberto Gonzales' memory (and "meeting" with Ashcroft in hospital) 
De-listed superfund toxic waste dump sites 
The original Nixon Tapes 
"Missing" Weapons of Mass Destruction from Iraq 
Bernard Kerik's Homeland Security application form 
and tragically 
Joe Lieberman's Democratic Party membership card

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UPDATE 4

Apparently the quantity of records destroyed was a result of a broken water pipe that has been scheduled for repair since 2001. As the sprinkler system was not functioning, the Blackwater employees hired to guard the records could only throw more records onto the flames in an attempt to contain them.

Additional records from a neighboring closet presently unaccounted for that are believed to have been destroyed in the fire now include items related to:

All subpoenas issued by the U.S. Congress to White House employees 
Walter Reed facility maintenance 
NASA's evidence of global warming (redacted and sealed by the administration) 
Looting of the Native American Trust Fund 
Forensic reports from 2001 anthrax attacks against key Democrats and media 
Dubai Ports deal 
Under-funding of Russian loose nuclear materials security programs 
Guidelines for putting American citizens on no-fly and terror watch lists 
The Vice President's red phone that directly connects the Vice-President's office to the on-air Fox news desk (possibly salvageable)